A white professor of classics at the University of Iowa, Sarah Bond, has come out with a remarkable new theory; that the use of white marble in sculpture feeds white supremacists. After all, who doesn't see a bunch of Aryan Nations types with black combat boots and shaven heads every time one goes to an art museum? I'm told that Vatican City is virtually overrun with them!
She suggests that the cure for this is to colorize Sculpture, which obviously is going to irritate white supremacists, as (being Greek and Roman) the models for these great sculptures were, of course, white.
Hmmm....I see just a tiny little problem with this theory, but thankfully, there is a workaround courtesy of the thousands of diesel trucks going around Italy and Greece. Simply allow the acids in the air to corrode the marble and turn it gray and black, destroying the world's great artworks over the centuries. Even though the models were white, nobody will ever figure that out from facial features, body types, long, flowing beards and hair, and the like.
Well, I guess at least Professor Bond's students might have trouble figuring this out. If you want to learn the classics, I'm going to have to suggest you might want to skip Iowa City and go to Ames. Also worth noting is that Bond's work is significantly published by a company in the shadow of the 14th best Big Ten University, and second best Big Ten university in the state of Michigan. As a Spartan who was born south of Columbus, somehow I find it fitting.
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