Many thanks for a couple of good hints from posters on my post from last week. Here are some ways you can torpedo any serious attempt at learning real genre in music.
1. Make sure that whatever classics you listen to are heavily edited and abridged--think of either the prelude to Beethoven's Fifth Symphony or Also sprach Zarathustra as used in commercials.
2. Make sure that singers and instrumentalists are in over their heads. There is nothing like a screechy soprano or a dropped harmony line from Lohengrin's march to the bridal chamber (bridal march) to drive you back to a well-played 12 bar blues-based praise chorus in a comfortable alto/baritone range.
3. Confuse "number of singers and instrumentalists" and "number if distinct parts to be played" with "musicality."
4. If you must go to a concert where talented musicians are playing music well, rent a tux. Polyester and Corfam shoes will have you fidgeting so much, you won't be able to listen to the music.
Any other suggestions?
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Also make sure that you have no relationship with classical music other than being hectored about it by people who associate musical taste directly with intelligence and wine snobbery. Whatever you do, don't give it a try and stop and think about whether you find the combination of sounds pleasing; just keep the picture of that annoying snob in your mind.
Also, if you do break down and try it, make sure to start by sampling some Wagner or Mahler. Make sure it is an entire symphony or German opera in one sitting. The slower-moving, longer, and heavier, the better. Do NOT, repeat NOT, try anything simple like Bach's Water Music or something exciting and refreshing yet authentic like Kennedy's version of The Four Seasons for violin. Stay away from Mozart by all means. Make sure your first experience is as complex and turgid as possible -- that, as Mr. Snob will tell you, is "real" classical music.
And for goodness' sake, DON'T let yourself listen to the Hallelujah Chorus and admire its liveliness, spiritual and emotional depth, and harmonic sweetness. It's CLASSICAL MUSIC, you must REMEMBER that! You CAN'T allow yourself to like it!
Isn't the Water Music Handel, not Bach?
Not that I've been renting a tux and drinking bad wine out of plastic glasses at the concert hall, mind you.... :^)
Otherwise, well said.
You're right. I need to get a better Handel on my Baroque masters.
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